AFTER You Grow Up
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
When we are young, this is the burning question that seems to be on everyone’s mind. People begin asking us as soon as we can successfully string enough words together to have conversations. This one question encompasses several others: What interests you? Where would you like to go to college? What career can you see yourself doing? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Where would you like to live? When you piece together the answers to these questions, you see the puzzle of your life come together in a clear picture, and the dream of that life begins to direct your steps.
I turned 45 in October. I am officially what is considered “middle-aged.” And, just for the record, I really dislike that term. It implies that until this point, I have been making my way up the mountain of life, but now that I’m in the “middle” the only way forward is down. That is depressing. Anyway, I have to admit, it is starting to feel a little disorienting when I look around and I notice that the things I have been so laser-focused on for the last 45 years are wrapping up, and the end of a significant part of my life is in sight.
All I ever dreamed of as a little girl was being a wife and a mother. I had a stay-at-home mom when I was a child, and I always knew that was what I wanted to be when I had children of my own. By the grace of God and the hard work of my husband, that dream has been a reality. As a young couple, my husband and I made that goal a priority, and as soon as it was possible, I quit my job and became my boy’s full-time caregiver, entertainer, chauffeur, disciplinarian, teacher, and cheerleader. I worked in the children’s ministry at my church to be near them. I was the head room mother, and I lead the parent-teacher organization at their elementary school. I took them to play groups, baseball practices, birthday parties, and tennis and music lessons. I taught them Bible scriptures and prayed with them on the way to school and asked them for the run-down of their day as soon as I picked them up in the afternoon. And one of my primary goals, as they grew, was to make our home the place they wanted to be and where their friends would always feel welcomed and comfortable.
I couldn’t even consider when I was a new parent what my kids growing up and leaving would feel like. I just assumed it would be devastating. I loved having little kids who depended on me and being part of that mother/child relationship when you know, for just a little while, you are their whole world. But as my children grew, I realized that every stage was incredible. They leave the “you’re my whole world” stage and enter the “I can do it all by myself” stage. It’s cool watching them become who they are going to be, one step at a time. Even the not always fun, teenage “too big for their britches” stage is quickly followed by them figuring out how much they appreciate you and the “I’m really going to miss you when I leave” stage that comes just before you pack them up and drive them to college.
The last two decades have been everything I wanted and more, but things are changing. My two oldest boys, Will and Wes, are college graduates, and both got engaged in 2022. So, between now and January 2024, they will become married men, which feels surreal. My third son, Jack, will move off and start college in the fall, and my baby boy, Ben, will start high school in the 2023-2024 school year. From a busy, noisy house of four boys and all the chaos that accompanies that, we will be down to one kid living at home and a whole lot of silence. It will be a big year for all of us.
I’ve started thinking a lot lately about the term “midlife crisis.” I have never really understood this concept until now. I think I always confused the issue with one that was more about the vanities of not wanting to grow older: getting gray hair, noticing new wrinkles, and slowing down in physical activity. However, it is making a lot more sense to me. While physically aging can sometimes be part of it, I guess I understand more clearly that a midlife crisis is normally about something deeper.
Let’s go back to the question of “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. We spend the first half of our life trying to answer that question, but after the issues of career, marriage, and children are settled, many people get lost. Most of us forgot to dream any further. Yet here we are… standing at the threshold of a different life, where in just four short years, my husband and I will be cooking for two. We will have a lot of silent moments to fill with conversations that were put on hold 25 years ago, and our roles will be forever changed where our kids are concerned. It could very well mess with your identity and sense of purpose if you don’t consider, very deliberately, the answers to a new question…
"What do you want to be AFTER you grow up?"
I have a few ideas. But first and foremost, I have learned one very important lesson in the up-the-mountain half of my life; no matter what I do or accomplish, how I look, or how dedicated I am to being good and kind, I cannot make everyone happy. You would think that would be discouraging news, but for me, it is a giant relief. Now I can stop trying. I will still be committed to growth, health, kindness, and compassion, but it will be with one intention only. I want to make God happy. That’s it. That’s the whole goal.
I want my workouts to be about the health of my body, for the sake of my family, instead of about how I look in a pair of jeans. I want to learn new things for the sake of making new memories with the people I love and for the joy of spending quiet hours alone with God. I want to grow in kindness and compassion so I can build a deeper relationship with my husband and learn what it takes to be the world’s best mother-in-law and grandmother. I want to deepen my understanding of Scripture so that when those grandbabies come, I’m even better equipped to help them “grow in the grace and knowledge” of God (2 Peter 3:18), because you better believe me when I say, as for me and my house, we WILL serve the Lord! (As my mama would say, “Hide and watch!”)
My view from the top of this middle-aged mountain is a good one. I can look back and see blessing after blessing and look forward with hope and purpose. It’s a great place to be. Just like Moses in Exodus 33, my prayer is, “God, if you won’t personally go with me, I don’t even want to go.” But I trust God, and I know He’s more than capable of directing every step. I have a clear picture of where I want to be when I come to the end of this journey, and now is the time to dream the new dreams, the AFTER I grow up dreams that will get me there. In Isaiah 43:19, God told the Israelites, “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?...” I don’t know about all you other “middle-aged” folks out there, but I do see it. I’m opting out on the midlife crisis and taking this same promise with me on the rest of my journey. Instead of feeling uncertain and disoriented, I am getting excited about the future because ready or not… here it comes!
